Coffee Snob Tip: Skip the Long Lines, Buy Pure Grind
It’s 6:45 in the morning, and you’re on your way to a meeting. From the jackass in traffic to your annoying-as-hell client, the Apple Watch on your wrist is buzzing with bullshit you can’t even deal with yet. You’re shaking; you haven’t even had your coffee yet — the sweet soul of your existence — so you’re cranky as hell. On your drive, you spot a big sign for a corporate coffee joint in a shopping plaza. It’s the only one you see around and your GPS says it’ll be miles before you come across another. So, you make the ultimate sacrifice and walk into the marketplace of doom.
What the Actual Hell…
This place looks like it was furnished by a big corp store that makes its generic-looking products in a sweatshop. You prefer the sustainable local shop with pallet table tops, industrial light fixtures, and exposed ceiling pipes. With the minimalist furniture and decor — the way you like it, sitting beside the people who get you. At this trash shop, these people don’t even recycle, man. It’s not your first choice, but it’ll do; you need your fix.
It’s Packed.
Everyone and their freaking mother is there. The line is out of the door, but dammit, you need your fix. The woman in front of you is wearing workout leggings and a shirt that says some spiritual yoga mantra. “20 triple macchiato, make it skinny, decaf, no dairy, no soy, no sugar, no fat,” she tells the bustling barista behind the counter who is quickly trying to note all of this customer’s insane requests. Hurry the F up. Nama-stay out of my way. You’re about to lose your shit now and flip these mass-produced, commercialized tables over.
Finally.
Finally, the time has come; Matcha Mocha Triple DeCaf mom is out of your way and your order comes up. Simple, yet beautifully black. No milk-washed foolishness topped with whipped cream and caramel, mocha, cinnamon sugary-ass drizzles. Pure, dark, and rich. Or so you thought. This stuff is vile. It tastes like charred black water in a damn cup. After tossing that crap in the grass, you make your escape. You’ve have made it out of this hellhole completely unfulfilled.
You’re Too Good For This Nonsense.
You don’t want to put up with this crap. Well, what if we told you that you could skip the long lines with the matcha-drinking yoga moms holding up the line and slowing you down? Ditch that burnt mud. We recommend you become a master barista right in your own dang home. No line, no waiting, no filters, no GMOs, no-nonsense. Just bold, bitchin’ beans, a grinder, and a French Press — delivered right to your door. Snag it all in our deluxe Coffee Snob Kit.
Welcome To The Club.
Welcome to the best damn club you’ll ever be in. You’re a snob, a purist, an elitist. Accept it — Own It! Now you’re one of us and we couldn’t be prouder. Grind those badass beans, brew that bad boy, take that first sip of pure black magic. Imagine… pouring that steaming hot deliciousness into your tumbler. The angels are singing. The Heavens are rejoicing. Now, you can drive past that cringy cult-like shop beaming with pride knowing you’re not subjecting yourself to that pure and diabolical sludge torture EVER again. You’re a Pure Grind coffee snob, and that’s the way we like it.